Wow… what a September. I turned 40 this month. I remember when I was 17 years old, how I felt about someone who was 40. Let’s face it. When you’re 17, anything over 35 is soooo ooooold! Ancient. Forty is like another universe. However, now that I’m actually 40, I honestly don’t feel all that much different … well. except for the obvious things, like needing great push-up bras and not being able to eat as many Oreos.
I still have pesky insecurities that barrage my thoughts at times; I’m still battling certain issues I’ve been battling my entire life— I’m just older, and I think here I am supposed to say wiser as well. Ironically, however, I think part of the curse of being “wiser” is that you realize just how unwise you really are. What a catch-22 that is, and definitely something I didn’t learn in kindergarten, but something I would have liked to have understood sooner.
Earlier this month, I traveled by myself to Philadelphia for an Ebay On Location meeting. I think it was the first time in a really long time that I was really able to unplug the stress cords of dealing with my domestic demons and just enjoy the drive (16 hours one-way), enjoy the networking and the people I met — and especially enjoy the head space. There were times during my trip I left my phone in my room, and didn’t even realize it until I came back to my room and saw it there. Hours without my phone! If I were home and did that, I’d be a flippin’ basket case!!
It was nice to dress up and go out to nice restaurants in 4-inch heels and with good company. It was nice to focus on my professional side for a bit and get away from the daily grind of domestic duties. I came home feeling totally refreshed and ready to get back to domesti-land. I was really quite floaty when I returned home. It was just what I needed. … I thought.
Now, three weeks after my trip, I’m feeling restless. I don’t know if this is a good thing, or a bad thing just yet. But I feel like I want to go. Drive? Do more grown-uppy kinds of things. Put on my 4-inch heels and paint the town red. My friends took me out for my birthday celebration last week and it was crazy fun! This just really makes me want to do that more. And if I think about that enough, I start to feel trapped in my not-so-perfect domesti-land … but I have to say, that kind of irritates me and I’m not yet sure how to emotionally resolve these feelings.
I know I’m still a mommy. And I love, love, LOVE being a mommy. And right now, I feel even if it means that the only painting I’m going to be doing most weeks is with my fingers or a watercolor brush, I’m okay with that. They need me. I need them. In all my 40-year-old restlessness, no 4-inch stiletto can replace the enjoyment and fulfillment I receive from my relationships with my children, nor can it replace the responsibilities I have to take care of things at home.
Part of growing wiser is that you learn what you need to hold on to, and can more easily see what you need to throw out. The crappy thing is that sometimes it’s hard to let go of things you know need to throw out because they are comfortable and easy. Or they make you feel good for a time. But just because something is comfortable and easy, doesn’t necessarily mean it’s something you want to keep in your pocket forever. Sometimes, comfortable and easy means complacency, which, in the broad scope of things is not really a good thing anyway.
The more I think about this, the more I’m spinning in circles, so for now, with the occasional exception, I will probably just wear my 4-inch heels while I’m mulling around the house deftly avoiding folding the pile of laundry on the loveseat and trying hard not to step directly on the dog as she’s running under my feet. Aaaaand I may not be out of the house most weekends, but at least my legs will look great while I’m doing the dishes.
More adventures tomorrow…
(If you are have a Facebook profile and you enjoyed this post, please click on “Like” on the right side of this page. ♥)